Joke Thread

[Pammy]

Hung Chow calls the office and says "Hey boss, I not come work today, I really sick, got headache, stomach in knot and my legs hurt. I not come
in today."

The boss says, "Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her we need to make love. That makes everything better then I can go to work, you should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Desert Dog]

A couple of women were playing golf one Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me
to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she
asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

LMAO...

Rollin' on the floor...

The Dog

[Desert Dog]

One more...Harold is 82 and having some prostate problems. After examining him, the
doctor gives him a specimen jar and says, "Take this home with you, and try
to produce a semen specimen. Stop by tomorrow and drop it off so I can run a
few tests."

Harold takes the jar and heads home. The next day, Harold comes in and asks
to speak with the doctor. When he is taken into the office, the doctor asks
how he made out.

"Not good, Doc." Says Harold. "I went home and tried to do what you said. I
tried with my right hand 'til it was cramped from the arthritis...no luck. I
tried with my left hand, until I had blisters... still no luck. "Then I
asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with her left hand and then with
her right hand...no luck. She even tried with her mouth. She tried with her
teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out...still no luck."

"Then we called Edna, next door, to see if she could help..."

"Good Grief man!" exclaimed the doctor,"You asked your next door neighbor to
help you?"

"Yep." Says Harold, "Couldn't none of us get the lid off that jar."

Still rollin' in the floor...

The Dog

[Aunt Bee]

STRENGTH


Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on,I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40,I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week,
and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[img]rolleyes.gif[/img]

[Aunt Bee]

KIDS!

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." [img]graemlins/kiss.gif[/img]

[Aunt Bee]

The Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Department of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir

My friend, Ed Peters in Shelby, NC, received a check from your department for not raising hogs. I would like to request any information on the "not raising hogs" program. This appears to be a government businessventure I can understand. I would like to participate. In your opinion, what is the best breed of hogs to not raise? I want to be sure to appoach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies and regulations. I would prefer to not raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed to not raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

I believe the difficult part of your program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend Peters is quite happy about the future of the business. He has raised hogs for twenty years or so and the best he ever made on them was $29,000 per year. Then in 1994 he received a government check for $55,000 for not raising them.

If I can earn $55,000 for not raising 100 hogs, will I receive $110,000 for not raising 200 hogs? I initially plan to operate on a modest scale, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $2,000,000 the first year. Then I can afford to not raise more.

One other thing. These hogs I will not raise will not eat 150,000 bushels of corn. I understand that your department also pays farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising corn and wheat to feed the 4,000 hogs I am going to not raise? I want to get started as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of year not to raise hogs and grain.

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me the information on that area as well. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. When you have initiated my requests for data from your department, please forward my letter to the Department of Labor so they can send me any necessary information and applications.

Patriotically yours,
H. W. Cornfield

P.S. Will you please notify my when you plan to distribute cheese in my area.

[Tricia the Canuck]

LOL! Thanks, AB!

[manymonikers]

A couple is golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with

million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, "Honey,be very

careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows -it'll cost us

a fortune to fix."

The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the

biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told youto

watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how

much this is going to cost."

They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in." When they open the door,

they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in

the foyer.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that."

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a

thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three

wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest

of my life."

"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the

genie says, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she says.

"Consider it done."

"And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman

in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and

all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with you."

So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours.

Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says, "How old is your

husband, anyway?"

"35. Why?"

"And he still believes in genies?"

[Lon Frank]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man
came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't
explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next
to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked
over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her
left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat
back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout
full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." Man laughed
and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this
time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as
I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with
her tail." "Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "Some things
you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't
have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the
rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . .

Some things you just can't explain."

[Tricia the Canuck]

LOL!!

Thanks all!